Hello Grief, my old familiar friend...

Throughout life, we meet people. Some of them become fixtures in your life, others just people we meet along the way.  If you’re lucky, you’ll gain four sisters and a brother and a slew of nieces and nephews, aunts and uncles and cousins when you meet those special people. I met Jeremy McCowan when I was 15 ... that’s 23 years ago. 23 years. I have so many words that I want to share.  Thoughts, memories, funny stories. I just can’t. I never thought that I would ever be experiencing this feeling, or that I would see the girls, Holly, the kids...hurting so badly. So many questions, what if’s, coulda, shoulda, woulda’s.  People that I love so very much will never be the same and are hurting so bad.  My heart, it just aches.   I swing from mad, to sad, to disbelief...I can only imagine that those emotions are amplified within the hearts of his wife, sisters, mother, and kids.  Seeing his smiling face attached to an obituary makes me sick in my stomach. I can’t even describe it.  I haven’t even been able to read the whole thing.  

Words just aren’t sufficient, and I’m not even going to try to pretend.  I know this post isn’t going to do his memory justice, but it’s too hard right now. 

I stole this picture from someone on Facebook. It is how I will always remember his face when he would laugh... that ornery laugh. And for some reason, I hear “when the $:(&! did we get ice cream?!”

I’m seeing a lot of suicide awareness and suicide prevention things. I do realize that September is suicide awareness month, but right now it is so raw.  I am struggling with having any faith in how any of that works. On Tuesday, a little after noon, I posted a number and offered my own self for anyone contemplating suicide. On Wednesday night or very early Thursday morning, Jeremy took his own life. I’m not offended that he didn’t take my post to heart...but I wasn’t the only one to post that I was there for someone. We have to figure out how to do more. How do we help them.. especially when we don’t always know that they need our help? 

I don’t know friends, I just don’t know.