I have been holding onto this one for a little bit…

As a kid, I feel like I spent a good amount of time with my aunts and uncles – It was a perk of being the oldest, I guess.  There are several memories that I can recall clearly, others are pretty fuzzy.  I vividly remember being buckled in the front seat of Uncle Fave’s car, windows down, hair flying around and him yelling out to the car driving (fairly fast) next to him “This is my niece!” That is a story for another day though...I am not even really sure it actually happened, but I can see it in my head! 

Having aunts and uncles that were educators and coaches meant that they sometimes had long breaks for holidays and over the summer.  I remember spending Spring Breaks and some of my summers rotating stays with my aunts and uncles. 

One of my favorite summers I spent with Harold just happened to also be the same summer he introduced me to his now wife, Shawna.  I took a friend along with me and we went to Riley for a couple of weeks to attend basketball camp.  (Side note – I never really liked playing basketball, but Harold said I did, so there I was.)  It was a pretty great set up after the first day – my friend and I would attend the morning camp session then we had the rest of the day to go to the pool, to the mall with Shawna, or back to the gym to watch or help with the second session. If I am completely honest, I am pretty sure that we didn’t go to that second session often, especially after my friend learned that Jon McGraw spent his afternoons at the pool. :) After camp was over, I returned home and continued to play basketball at McLouth until my sophomore year.  I remember when I decided to quit playing, I just KNEW Harold was going to be so disappointed so I avoided telling him for as long as I could.  Inevitably, at the next family function he asked if I was ready for practice to start, or something along those lines and the only thing I could think to respond with was “I beat the school record for high jump!” and my mom announced that I decided not to play.  I may have lost my favorite-niece status after that, but I still have that high jump record! 😊

Harold and I started our fight with Kidney cancer right around the same time, our first surgeries were just around a year apart.  He handled his like a champ, smiling in a post op photo – I was definitely NOT smiling post-op, I was a lot less comfortable and a whole lot crankier.  

I think that the first text I sent him after his nephrectomy was just a little bit of encouragement that MY whiskey consumption had not been compromised by losing a kidney. You know, just in case he was worried about that.  I am pretty sure that information helped him.  😊

After that, we took turns checking in on each other – talking out the anxiety that happens with the frequent scans (that “scanxiety” is a real thing!) and the waiting through the next week for the appointment with the doctor to give the results.  We talked about treatment plans, prognosis, scan frequency.  Any research we did on supplements, dietary changes, similarities of our disease process – there were a lot - I felt like we shared it.  We celebrated the good news, and we encouraged and supported through the less than great reports.  He commented numerous times that we may just cash in one day, since there had not yet been a connection made through genetic testing - even though we were quite literally on the same course at the start.  

Harold always knew how to put my jumbled and chaotic thoughts into words – especially when it came to being so hard to explain how it feels to experience a cancer that is literally a wait and see what happens, when it happens.  He commented that it was “hard to explain to an outsider, even family, how much this affects you. It robs you of peace of mind” and then ended the conversation with “But hey! WE are insiders!”  Indeed, we were.  I will always be grateful to have had him beside me through our journey, and I promise to always remember that “even though it is just so frickin stressful, ya gotta enjoy every day”… I hope that I can always hear his voice in my head saying those words. 

Uncle Harold died on July 18th. He fought a courageous battle and won the fight on his terms.  I am sad, but so proud of him.  My heart hurts for Shawna - I cannot imagine the quiet and loneliness that comes after spending more than 30 years married to and living with someone that is gone so soon.

Cancer sucks.  Kidney Cancer sucks.

62 Mile Challenge

 In June, I committed to participating in a challenge to raise money and awareness for the American Cancer Society.  The goal was to walk 62 miles in the month of July.  I am proud to say that I did it - I actually exceeded the goal of 62 miles and I ended the challenge with just a little over 73 miles! Yay! I used a separate movement tracker outside of my workday - most days I did great, but some I did nothing. I am proud of myself and really do well with competition (even if it is just myself that I am trying to beat) so I may just keep pretending like I have a challenge to complete.  

Many days, I did not want to do anything but I still did.  A lot of the days in July were SO HOT - thank goodness for my Planet Fitness membership.  

Hi… remember me?

Today is my Grandma Shirley’s birthday. It’s the 9th one we have celebrated without her here. It’s become a little tradition to have ice cream (Baskin-Robbins specifically, if possible) to celebrate her. I wasn’t able to get BR today due to things beyond my control (power outage) but it didn’t stop me from having a full on meltdown in the parking lot. Sigh. 

I’m participating in a 62 mile challenge the month of July for the American Cancer Society.  I don’t track my steps or anything during a normal day, but do for the walking I do specifically for the challenge. I’m going to have to step it up over the next week. I let myself fall a days worth of miles behind over the weekend. I had been going to the gym after work, and that’s fine but a part of me wants to just be outside alone - but it’s SO HOT! 🥵 I have gained a little bit of weight so the added exercise will do me good, especially if I’m just sweating it all out! 

I’ve really been missing Cody..and Aiden. I’m just missing having all of my little chickens together and safe at home with me. Hopefully one day soon. They’re missing a lot of important time together. Time they can’t get back. It’s all just ugly and I hate it. 

I’ve found myself OBSESSED with the people in Ohio with all those children in their basement. So many questions… 

That’s all for now. I want to get back to writing regularly, I just get busy. Or forget. Or feel like nobody wants to read all my nonsense. And then I think, who cares? It’s therapeutic for me, but I do have concerns that something I write will be used against me by people who aren’t really friends. Delaney likes to say “they’re friend shaped, but not friends” and there couldn’t really be a more accurate description. A lot of shapes, not a whole lot of true friends. I’ve learned a lot about that over the last year. Oof. 

World Cancer Day 2020

It’s World Cancer Day, and I am ecstatic to announce that I am still cancer-free! Doctor called with the biopsy results late yesterday. The mass is not a met of RCC and doesn’t appear to be a malignancy at all. Whoop whoop!!  I have to follow up with a GI doc to determine what exactly it is and what to do about it. Dr Klingler mentioned a lot of words, and I remember hearing that it has a high risk of hemorrhage but basically, it’s an abnormal growth of liver cells - more specifically a hepatocellular adenoma.  I’ll see GI on February 18th and the 25th and will know more then. 

For now... Praise Jesus! 

I’ve been so stressed out this past month and a half over all of this, but kept myself busy. I worked today, but caught myself becoming so emotional just thinking about how truly blessed I am. Thank you all for your thoughts and prayers. 

January 2020

It’s been a busy month! I took - AND PASSED- the NCLEX-RN. Woohoo! I was too scared to even schedule it, then jumped in and took it two days later in Lincoln. I drove up and stayed at mom and dad’s the night before. It was so nice and quiet. 

KUMed FINALLY called me yesterday. The liver biopsy is scheduled for Monday, the 27th. Should have results within 3-5 business days, but I’m not going to hold my breath on that....it took three weeks to call me and schedule the procedure, when it shouldn’t have taken more than 3 days.  So, say a little prayer for me on Monday - and for little to no discomfort afterwards since I am scheduled to work Tuesday through Thursday. 

Ending the year with a .... biopsy.

First - I hope you all had a very Merry Christmas full of faith, love, family and food.  I worked Christmas Eve and met up with my husband and boys at church.  We spent time with Jeremy's mom and stayed up too late being silly.  Christmas morning we all slept in and took our time getting around.  Enjoyed a relaxed lunch and then headed out to Manhattan that evening, we were late but right on time for the most fun gift exchange every year.  We spent the night at my parent's, where Dad went off to graduate cardiac rehab - Congrats Papa! - and those lucky ducks headed off to Arizona yesterday.  I worked Friday, Saturday and Sunday....trying to keep my mind busy.  

Well....here it is.  The update that I have been avoiding. 

I guess I just thought that if I didn't talk about it, it would come and go and be done.  Unfortunately, my anxiety has gotten the better of me and I need to TALK about it.  

I had my follow up scans on the Friday before Christmas, the 20th.  This was the last set of scans before I was to move to annual visits... and I followed up with Dr Klingler on Monday the 23rd.  My MRI report did not come back clear this time.  There is a small area growing on/near my liver.  The good news is that IF it is malignant, it is not as aggressive as Bertha was, since it has only grown a small bit, and IF it is the same type as Bertha, the area will be removed surgically (and my hernias from my original incision will be repaired) and that will hopefully be the end of that.... with routine scans to continue indefinitely, of course.  

It is discouraging, but I am honestly not as terrified as I was with Bertha.  It is what it is...and it is what it will be.  There isn't any sense in getting worked up or upset about it - but I wont lie and say that I haven't shed a few tears.  I just feel like we have come so far and accomplished so much the past few years - it stinks that there has to be ANOTHER speed bump.  

So, tomorrow...December 31st...I will go in for a 

biopsy.  I should be home sometime in the evening, and will have the next day at home to recover.  Hopefully there will be results before the end of the week, but I will not be too surprised if it is next week before I hear anything.  I am starting to get a little bit concerned about the discomfort after the biopsy, especially since I learned that they are going to have to go between my ribs - that just does not sound so pleasant.  Sigh...just send up a prayer or two and hug my boys a little tight for me if you see them. 

   

Through all of it...

It’s been awhile, I know. I have a lot of things to ‘back blog’ on, but not tonight. 

I have been pretty busy at work, with school, and at home the past few months - so much has happened.  Tomorrow is already scan day again...I will admit that I was too busy to really dwell on it, but this day has been getting bigger and bigger in my mind.  I was bummed to have to work Sunday, as I was really feeling the strong pull to get to church that day. Pastor Scott closes church every Sunday with a prayer to God for our church family to “use them real good” as we all go out into our world for the week. 

I really enjoy my job, a lot.  There are days that I wonder if I’m where I’m supposed to be, am I doing what I’m best at? Am I using my skills and abilities the best way possible?  I don’t know if I am all of the time, but I was definitely in the right place on Sunday. 

There have been some things that have happened in my family the past few months that have just been really cruddy and we’ve cried, we’ve hurt, we’ve been scared and experienced immense sadness. There are joyous occasions happening as well, but sometimes it’s just too darn hard to see the light through the dark. I met a family yesterday that helped me see the light.  They gave me hope and a plan, and allowed me to help them at the same time. I think that we were both “used real good” yesterday and today.