When the Things We Cannot Change End Up Changing Us Instead

My heart is heavy, my head is full, there is a lump in my throat.....I am just going to type and see where this goes.  Bear with me, or maybe...just close out of this right now.  

I think that the problem with being me is that I feel too much. I feel joy for others when things go right for them, but this is not a problem.

The problem lies in the area of hurt.

I physically hurt for others when they are hurting - its a true, deep, visceral pain. I ache to take the bad away so that they do not have to experience that pain. That pain that changes you forever.  That pain that makes you a different person in such a way that you can never go back to the way you once were.  That pain that instills a new worry, and a new sense of panic when the phone rings just a little too early in the morning, or a little too late at night.  That pain that is like nothing you have ever experienced before nor that you will ever experience again.  See, you only get to feel that initial life-changing pain one time...but I do not think it is acceptable that anyone should have to ever experience it at all.  

I don't remember feeling that way prior to my sister's car accident. It is funny how things define your life... Everything is "before Amber died" or "After Amber died".  I think I have actually seen an image somewhere online in regards to the line drawn in your life at the point of before and after.

Anyway, back to my point...

Recently, one of my very best friends became a daddy and had to say goodbye to his precious baby a week later. Many of my friends lost a dear friend to suicide.  There was a car accident Saturday night.  One friend's son did not survive.  Another friend and her 5 children were injured. Someone else I care about is dealing with the threat of a pregnancy loss. Someone else well known in the community has lost her husband, another dear friend is facing a battle with cancer in her immediate family.  It never ends.  It just never ends. 

My heart is physically hurting.  *Disclaimer: I am nursing school student, so I am familiar (although my test scores DO NOT reflect any knowledge!) with the fact that it is not actually my heart that feels the pain - all the same...it hurts*

I feel as if there is a constant lump in my throat - I am so deeply saddened that another mother and father are having to endure the pain of their child dying.  The grieving parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, siblings, friends....it is not a feeling that I would ever want another person to feel.  

When someone that you love is so quickly, so tragically, so traumatically removed from your life...there are just no words to explain it.  I cannot even begin to...I just know that I would never wish anyone to experience it.  

I can physically feel my sweet friend's desperation, panic, fear and helplessness... trying to get to and save all of her babies - knowing they are hurt, and not knowing how severely - and later, having to go from bed to bed at the hospital to check on them all.  I cannot imagine the emotional toll it must be taking on her to relive the night's events over and over in her head.... 

I want to just grab them all and wrap them up and take away that hurt.  I want to say "Just give it to me! I have felt it, I have lived through it, let me have it - I can take it, see - I am still here! Then it is not your burden to bear."  

I send the texts, make the phone calls, give the hugs and say the words - 

"I am right here, if there is anything I can do..." 

I say those things knowing full well that the only thing they truly want and need is not something that I could ever do for them.  Nobody on this Earth can.  

So, I pray.  

I have never prayed as hard or as frequently, or as desperately as I have recently. I pray for healing, peace, comfort...I pray until I just simply cannot form the words to pray anymore, and then I pray that God can hear my heart.  I pray that in all of this heartache and sadness that I do not lose my faith in prayer.  
In my mind, I always go back to that morning, June 28 2002, sitting at my parents house, I feel like it was right after hanging up the phone with the organ procurement person asking if we would like to donate my sisters viable organs - as far as I know there could be hours or days between the two events, they are just two of the things I remember the most vividly...and hearing my dad say - the man that I knew believed in God but that had never really expressed any opinion on faith, etc - something to the effect of "God did not kill my daughter, He was just there for her when she needed Him" I remind myself that if that man, who's whole reason for being had just been ripped apart and his soul wrecked, could have such unwavering faith....FAITH...then who am I to question my own?  

FOR WE WALK BY FAITH, NOT BY SIGHT - 2 CORINTHIANS 5:7

I must remember and repeat....

God didn't promise days without pain, laughter without sorrow, or sun without rain, but He did promise strength for the day, comfort for the tears, and light for the way. 

If God brings you to it, He will bring you through it.

And then....there are times that I get angry.  I get angry that my people are hurting - see I have this fierce need to protect those that I care about and a strong sense of loyalty in my heart  *or feelings, emotions, whatever - you know what I mean*  I especially get angry at those people who make every situation about them, to draw the attention to themselves, to how THEY are hurting or affected in whatever way and please avert your attention to them and away from the people I love...and then they criticize others for the actions they take, or call out every little thing that they would do differently....
*this subject should truly be saved for another post*  
I want to scream at them and tell them that it is not about them - that instead of wasting so much energy drawing attention to themselves through others suffering, they should be DOING something to help alleviate the situation and to reduce the stress on the people it is directly affecting.  Then, I wonder.....what is it exactly that I am doing? 

I am typing up a long ass blog post about how other people's tragedies affect ME. I am no better or different than the people I get so angry at on a daily basis.  

It's a vicious cycle, isn't it? 

Oh....I found this: