January 2020

It’s been a busy month! I took - AND PASSED- the NCLEX-RN. Woohoo! I was too scared to even schedule it, then jumped in and took it two days later in Lincoln. I drove up and stayed at mom and dad’s the night before. It was so nice and quiet. 

KUMed FINALLY called me yesterday. The liver biopsy is scheduled for Monday, the 27th. Should have results within 3-5 business days, but I’m not going to hold my breath on that....it took three weeks to call me and schedule the procedure, when it shouldn’t have taken more than 3 days.  So, say a little prayer for me on Monday - and for little to no discomfort afterwards since I am scheduled to work Tuesday through Thursday. 

Ending the year with a .... biopsy.

First - I hope you all had a very Merry Christmas full of faith, love, family and food.  I worked Christmas Eve and met up with my husband and boys at church.  We spent time with Jeremy's mom and stayed up too late being silly.  Christmas morning we all slept in and took our time getting around.  Enjoyed a relaxed lunch and then headed out to Manhattan that evening, we were late but right on time for the most fun gift exchange every year.  We spent the night at my parent's, where Dad went off to graduate cardiac rehab - Congrats Papa! - and those lucky ducks headed off to Arizona yesterday.  I worked Friday, Saturday and Sunday....trying to keep my mind busy.  

Well....here it is.  The update that I have been avoiding. 

I guess I just thought that if I didn't talk about it, it would come and go and be done.  Unfortunately, my anxiety has gotten the better of me and I need to TALK about it.  

I had my follow up scans on the Friday before Christmas, the 20th.  This was the last set of scans before I was to move to annual visits... and I followed up with Dr Klingler on Monday the 23rd.  My MRI report did not come back clear this time.  There is a small area growing on/near my liver.  The good news is that IF it is malignant, it is not as aggressive as Bertha was, since it has only grown a small bit, and IF it is the same type as Bertha, the area will be removed surgically (and my hernias from my original incision will be repaired) and that will hopefully be the end of that.... with routine scans to continue indefinitely, of course.  

It is discouraging, but I am honestly not as terrified as I was with Bertha.  It is what it is...and it is what it will be.  There isn't any sense in getting worked up or upset about it - but I wont lie and say that I haven't shed a few tears.  I just feel like we have come so far and accomplished so much the past few years - it stinks that there has to be ANOTHER speed bump.  

So, tomorrow...December 31st...I will go in for a 

biopsy.  I should be home sometime in the evening, and will have the next day at home to recover.  Hopefully there will be results before the end of the week, but I will not be too surprised if it is next week before I hear anything.  I am starting to get a little bit concerned about the discomfort after the biopsy, especially since I learned that they are going to have to go between my ribs - that just does not sound so pleasant.  Sigh...just send up a prayer or two and hug my boys a little tight for me if you see them. 

   

Through all of it...

It’s been awhile, I know. I have a lot of things to ‘back blog’ on, but not tonight. 

I have been pretty busy at work, with school, and at home the past few months - so much has happened.  Tomorrow is already scan day again...I will admit that I was too busy to really dwell on it, but this day has been getting bigger and bigger in my mind.  I was bummed to have to work Sunday, as I was really feeling the strong pull to get to church that day. Pastor Scott closes church every Sunday with a prayer to God for our church family to “use them real good” as we all go out into our world for the week. 

I really enjoy my job, a lot.  There are days that I wonder if I’m where I’m supposed to be, am I doing what I’m best at? Am I using my skills and abilities the best way possible?  I don’t know if I am all of the time, but I was definitely in the right place on Sunday. 

There have been some things that have happened in my family the past few months that have just been really cruddy and we’ve cried, we’ve hurt, we’ve been scared and experienced immense sadness. There are joyous occasions happening as well, but sometimes it’s just too darn hard to see the light through the dark. I met a family yesterday that helped me see the light.  They gave me hope and a plan, and allowed me to help them at the same time. I think that we were both “used real good” yesterday and today. 

Sunday Reset

It’s been a rough week. One of those that just isn’t much fun. You know...the kind of week where your clothes don’t feel right, your body is achy, you can’t get enough sleep, can’t stop eating, keep arguing with your husband over dumb things that turn into bigger issues than they need to, and really cannot even stand to be around your kids. Heck, I couldn’t hardly stand to be around myself! It wasn’t ALL bad, there were some good times - like our impromptu dinner guests for homemade bread bowls and broccoli cheese soup one evening.  That was good night.

This week I got a little stressed out. I had agreed to do the musical message this Sunday several weeks ago, but in my true fashion I waited until just this week to figure out what it was I wanted to sing. There are so many great songs and how do you just choose one?! I reached out for suggestions from friends and in turn received even more choices. 

I finally decided last night that I probably had better get it figured out, my name was most likely already printed in the church bulletin. I had sang a song several months ago that I loved. Carrie had found it for me. (She lost her “song picker outer” privileges with this one though. How dare she have a busy life and family and not drop everything to help me!!)

Anyway, I tossed around the idea of just doing “In Christ Alone” again.  Who would know, besides me and Carrie, that I had just done it? Everyone. Everyone would know, because I have a big mouth and would have told everyone. Haha

Then I chose “Come to Jesus”... but just wasn’t feeling it when I would practice.  Finally this morning, I just told myself it was what it was and listened to the song I was going to song over and over and over. I wrote out the lyrics, and then practiced all the way to church with Ryan as my coach. He tried to be encouraging, but his face... even he thought it might be a bad idea.  It was rough. It really was not very good. I didn’t understand it... I sang along with JJ Heller in fantastic fashion, but as soon as I removed her voice...it just wasn’t pretty. My timing was off and my words kept getting caught or switched up. So, I prayed about it, and practiced again....with the same disappointing results. 

When I got to the church, Jeremy told me that Pastor Scott said I didn’t have to sing if I really didn’t want to... he had gone ahead of me and told him how nervous I was about it.  I considered going up and singing from the loft, at least nobody could see me up there! 

I opened my bulletin and saw my name in there. No turning back now!  As soon as I saw my name, I actually felt that it would be ok. It may not be perfect and it may not be pretty, but I knew that not one person there would ever say that. They would clap and it would be done, and hopefully someone would ask me to sing again.  Robin and Carrie both offered some encouragement and the service began. Can I just say, that was the fastest service leading up to my turn in the history of ever?!? 

I walked up there, took a deep breath, and ... I did it. Seriously...I impressed myself. If I hadn’t been so hot on the pulpit, I may have even given Jesus a little fist bump of thanks when I was done. 

As I was singing, I scanned the congregation....there’s a lot of people that I care about that are suffering.  Some of them were there, some were not. Their hearts are breaking, their worlds are shaking. My own world was shaking on this day, a year ago. I am so very thankful to be through it, and know that with time they’ll be through their troubles, too.  We are all in His hands. Do me a favor, please add my friends and church family to your thoughts and prayers. All of them, for whatever they’re dealing with... loss, divorce, sickness, exhaustion...whatever it may be.  

So... here’s to a fresh Sunday start for the upcoming week.  Put it in His hands my friends, the results are astounding! 

Happy New Year!

Happy New Year to all! You have probably heard me and several others muttering about how we cannot wait to be done with 2017.  Well, that’s true... saying it was a rough year is an understatement, but I would be lying if I said it was all bad. 

 I learned a lot from 2017.  We gained a lot from 2017.  We also lost a lot in 2017. 

I lost my idea of being invincible and that “something like that won’t ever happen to ME”. Well, it did, folks. And, while I’m so ready to be done with all things kidney and cancer, I know that it will stay with me forever. My scars may be ugly, but slowly they’re healing and lightening...and in a way, I’m thankful that they will always be there.  They remind me to pray, to thank God for all of the good things that are in my life.  They remind me that even when everything appears to be scary and hopeless, there is always something to be thankful for.  There are always prayers to be said and many that are answered. 

We lost people in 2017, and with them went a little piece of our hearts that will remain with them forever. I hope that those that we lost at their own hands are finally at peace and able to rest.  I wish we could go back so that you could see that you were not alone and that there were so many people that would do anything to change your actions that day. We miss you. 

To those that we lost to illness, and other medical issues, I rejoice that you are now perfect and whole and no longer in pain ... but our hearts ache for all of you.  We miss you. 

2017 gave me clarity, and reminded me of the value of good, true friends. I got rid of the people that made me feel inadequate, and who encouraged that nasty behavior that I felt sick about. As my dear friend always tells me, “you’re better than that, Nicole.”  He’s right. I’m better than that and I’ve chosen to surround myself with the people that inspire me to be better than average, to think before I speak, and to build others up, rather than tear them down. I am trying, and while I’m not perfect...I am definitely a better person today than I was a year ago.  I value the closeness that I have with my quarters, and while there are still some pennies, they are the extra shiny ones.  The shiny ones that may have been dull at one time.  They still add value to my life, and some are quickly becoming quarters. I’ve discarded the dull, dirty ones and to be honest... it’s an amazing feeling. I struggle at times, but I don’t ever feel remorse or wish I was back around them.  I will continue to pray that they, too can be better- but I’m not holding my breath. 

I am filled with great love for my family, my friends. I’m blessed to have friendships that become family and to share in their joys, including experiencing the love of their children. We are all building this wonderful little village, that I hope will continue into and beyond their generation.

I enjoy daily reminders of hope, encouragement and funnies from the friends I have chosen to surround myself with, and I can only hope that I am as good to them as they are to me. I am going to make a more conscious effort to let people know that I appreciate them and care for them...

I have changed jobs and while I do miss the people that I used to help care for, I am so happy with my position now. I am steadily working to change the letters following my name and have been given the most amazing support system! I am working full time at Stormont-Vail, on the stroke floor. I have learned so much in the last 3 months, and continue to learn new things every day. I have met some really great people and am excited to grow relationships with my new co-workers. 

In the end, 

I am honored to be walking along with those of you taking a part of my journey. I wish you many things including joy, love and health in 2018. May you always feel loved by those around you, supported in your struggles and victories, and always know that I am just a phone call, text or thought away from you should you need anything. There is nothing too big or too small for us to do together, and the good Lord willing, He will be holding our hands throughout it all.  

Much love, and thank you! ❤️

Hello Grief, my old familiar friend...

Throughout life, we meet people. Some of them become fixtures in your life, others just people we meet along the way.  If you’re lucky, you’ll gain four sisters and a brother and a slew of nieces and nephews, aunts and uncles and cousins when you meet those special people. I met Jeremy McCowan when I was 15 ... that’s 23 years ago. 23 years. I have so many words that I want to share.  Thoughts, memories, funny stories. I just can’t. I never thought that I would ever be experiencing this feeling, or that I would see the girls, Holly, the kids...hurting so badly. So many questions, what if’s, coulda, shoulda, woulda’s.  People that I love so very much will never be the same and are hurting so bad.  My heart, it just aches.   I swing from mad, to sad, to disbelief...I can only imagine that those emotions are amplified within the hearts of his wife, sisters, mother, and kids.  Seeing his smiling face attached to an obituary makes me sick in my stomach. I can’t even describe it.  I haven’t even been able to read the whole thing.  

Words just aren’t sufficient, and I’m not even going to try to pretend.  I know this post isn’t going to do his memory justice, but it’s too hard right now. 

I stole this picture from someone on Facebook. It is how I will always remember his face when he would laugh... that ornery laugh. And for some reason, I hear “when the $:(&! did we get ice cream?!”

I’m seeing a lot of suicide awareness and suicide prevention things. I do realize that September is suicide awareness month, but right now it is so raw.  I am struggling with having any faith in how any of that works. On Tuesday, a little after noon, I posted a number and offered my own self for anyone contemplating suicide. On Wednesday night or very early Thursday morning, Jeremy took his own life. I’m not offended that he didn’t take my post to heart...but I wasn’t the only one to post that I was there for someone. We have to figure out how to do more. How do we help them.. especially when we don’t always know that they need our help? 

I don’t know friends, I just don’t know. 

Six months...

I'm a little up in my feelings tonight. It's been 6 months since I was diagnosed with kidney cancer. I mean, who gets kidney cancer?!? It's more common than one would think, but I doubt that I would really know any of the things that I know about it if I wasn't affected by it.  I can tell you that it sucks, and there's no chemo or radiation or any treatment that is proven to even help deter or kill it.  It's so unpredictable and one never knows when or if it will come back. There are times that I feel like a ticking time bomb... just waiting for the next little explosion. I've been blessed in that I have very skilled and competent surgeons and they've done right by me. They've removed the cancer completely with each operation...if only there were some sort of filtering device to scrub the blood clean!  I'm not trying to make light of any of it, but I'm kind of running out of expendable organs and body parts to remove! I'm going to just keep on going... fighting the fight and living my life. I have been feeling really good, and worrying a bit less.  There are days that it is all I can think about, days that I fight back the tears and try to swallow the lump in my throat. There are also days that are almost like... normal. Not new normal, but old - before you were told you had cancer- normal.  Most of today felt a lot like before I had cancer normal. It was nice. 

I enrolled the boys for the 2017-2018 school year today.  Cody is a senior. This is it, his last year of high school. I don't even believe it. Time goes at warp speed when you're a parent. Perhaps the reality of this is a part of my emotions tonight?  I just cannot believe how grown my little chunky blue-eyed monkey is. Sigh.  

Ryan is a sophomore. 15.  I pray for that boy. Every day. He struggles and doesn't hide it well at times, but every once in awhile his pure, happy heart shines through.  He's come a long way. Onward and upward and I'm excited to see what the next few months and years bring for him. 

Braden is a 5th grader. I just can't even grasp that.  I will say that I'm pretty stoked that we will only be cranking out two more Pickens Science Fair projects....Hallelujah!