5 days

5 days have passed and there's 5 days until surgery.  I'm not too worked up about only having one kidney, but it is a weird thing to think about and comprehend. Dr Klingler told me that I should adjust just fine and that it probably won't even really be something that I'll even notice. I hope he is right. I still would like a straight answer as to what caused this to happen, and so quickly. At the same time, maybe it's better to not think about all of that. For whatever reason, now was the time and to be honest, had I not gone in Thursday night, I probably wouldn't have gone at all until something else presented. At this point, my most alarming "symptom" is no longer present and I would just continue complaining that our bed needs replaced.  I shudder to think about what could be had I put it off and not gone in. Yikes. I mean, our bed definitely stinks and needs replaced but that's not going to happen right now. 

I haven't really learned anything new, except what I've researched on my own. I have been able to pull up the scans on the disc and scroll through all of the images, and I do that at least twice a day. My back has become more bothersome, but a part of me thinks it's more to do with the fact that someone has told me that there is something in there that can cause pain. I don't need the Percocet often and Tylenol is pretty effective for now most of the time. I am experiencing a lot of nausea, a few episodes of vomiting. My nerves are probably not helping that matter much. 

Amie (my coworker) has named the mass Bertha. We get a lot of good belly laughs at the most inappropriate comments made about this whole ordeal by us both equally, but it really keeps me sane.  She's adamant that I'm the 10% and to be honest, I'm starting to believe her. I'm too scared not to. 

I am doing ok. I know that you all know that I'm lying, because I'm terrified, but really.. I am doing ok right now.  I would be lying if I said I didn't worry, or that I don't cry at random times, but it's more from my fear of the unknown and the feeling of having absolutely no control over anything. I've given it up to God, it's His will and it just is what it is ...but I'm still hopeful it ISN'T. It occurred to me today that it would be the most awesome thing ever if they get me on the operating table, are all set up and going and can't find anything. I would keep my kidney and this would have all been a big joke. Wouldn't that be something?  

I'm so thankful and grateful (and overwhelmed with emotion) by the texts, calls, emails, messages and cards. Just the fact that you are all taking time to simply say you're thinking about me or praying for me is so deeply touching. Thank you. I realized today, while talking with Pastor Scott, that I am able to talk about it without losing my composure.  That's huge. I didn't even talk on the phone to anyone but my mom and my Aunt Shawna until Saturday.  See? I'm good!  Haha  

We have told the boys what I feel they need to know. Cody knows everything. He's able to process it and can handle it and while I can tell he's concerned, he's also been silent strength for me. He has had a lot of things to process and deal with this last week and he's handling it all so gracefully.  He makes this momma proud, all three of them do, really.   Ryan and Braden know that I'm having surgery to remove my kidney and they know that it is because there's something on it that shouldn't be, and that there will be further testing. I haven't really gone into detail about what they're looking for or the odds I'm facing. I can't do that to them without definite answers and a plan on place.  After all of that testing is done, there may be no need for any treatment and then they'll be all worried and I just don't want that for them. They are very smart boys and they know there's more to it, but it's one day at a time and I'm not willing to put such a heavy weight on them. They won't be blindsided, and we greatly appreciate you respecting our decision on the best way to handle this. 

I just wanted to give an update. I'm sure I'll have more to say later this week...it does help a lot to just write.  I have no idea of any of it even makes any sense to anyone else, but it clears my mind some.  

Please say a prayer for those hurting and in sorrow, our community has been hit by a very sad loss. Nick, may you Rest In Peace and be free from the demons you fought. You will be missed dearly.

Please, if anyone needs to talk, or feels alone...know that you are not. There is nothing that you have to carry alone, I'm here. My phone is always on and my door is always open.  We can never know truly what any other person is fighting in their own head and I hope that you know that you're important.  No questions, no judgement...just support. Even the darkest night will end and the sun will rise.