To the Friends and Family of Adam Perkins...

First off, I want to express my deepest sympathy to you all in your devastating time of loss.  My heart hurts for you all and I will continue to lift you all up in prayer, asking for peace, healing, and understanding.  

Second, please know this: 

We hear you.  We see you.  We FEEL what you are feeling today.  We know that you are experiencing such a deep amount of pain and confusion.  We are here for you.  

I want to introduce you to someone.  

This is George (with my sister Amber and my dad). 

He was one of my best friends and he was the very first (non-family member) person that I met when I started going to school in McLouth in the 4th grade, 1989.  George was a fixture in my life and in my home for many years, he was my brother from another mother.  He may have spent more time in my home with my parents and sister than I did, at times.  George was one of my biggest cheerleaders, and was never slow to tell me when I messed up.  He was also right there to pick me up when I stumbled, and we had even entered an "agreement" of sorts....

You see, I made a bad choice, and made a big mess.  My family and a group of amazing friends saved me from myself, and most importantly, they saved my son.  George had made a mess of himself, too...in a MUCH less drastic way, of course.  We had agreed that if we were both in such a mess 5 years down the road, that we would just be together and save everyone else from our self-destructive and annoying ways 😂 Our agreement was in place for less than 12 days, it was made in George's old blue truck on the way to Red Fortune in Bonner Springs, where George had taken me to eat dinner to celebrate my homecoming while my mom watched the baby.  

George died on July 13, 2000.  He was 21 years old.  

He was enjoying a nice day at Perry Lake with friends when he went under to retrieve a dropped item and never came back up.  Search crews were called out and they searched and searched and searched.  The search ended late into the night, to resume the next day.  My dear friend came to retrieve a few if us that had gone out dancing, and we gathered at my parents' house to wait for news.  We had convinced ourselves that he must have become disoriented,  swam off and was on the shore somewhere - confused, but that we would find him alive.  His body was found the next morning, near where he went under to my understanding.  Our lives have never been the same.  

Your lives will never be the same. 

I do not personally know your Adam, but from what I have heard, and from what I can see from the people that I love that love him...He has a lot in common with our George.  To start, they are McLouthians, and that is kind of a big deal.  Once you are a McLouthian, you are one for life.  We all kind of gather each other up and take care of each other like we are all each other's family.  I am now a transplant Oskaloosan, and I love my new family fiercely, but there is nothing like HOME.  Your actual address does not matter.  You are ours and we are yours.    

Your Adam is also like our George ... larger than life.  One of a kind, and full of a genuine love for life, people, and fun.  I don't have very many memories of elementary, junior high or high school and beyond that don't include George.  He was there.  He was everywhere and we all loved it.  

Those memories are what are going to get you all through the next seconds, minutes, hours, days, weeks and months....talk about them, laugh and smile.  

You may find that the lake that you all once loved, or that maybe you didn't give much thought to, now brings about different feelings.  That's ok.  It's a great amenity to our community, but you can be mad at it.  Don't settle into that anger and camp there forever, because it is a beautiful part of our landscape, but it is ok to feel differently about it.  Actually, any and all feelings that you may have about anything and pretty much everything may change...and that is ok.  Take your time, process through.  You are going to hear nonsense chatter, worthless and judgmental opinions about what he should or should not have been doing, and there will be very hurtful and harmful things said.  Unfortunately for all of you, you have social media to fight ... there will be so many people that "know" all about it and will run their mouths to anyone who will listen, as some of you witnessed this evening.  Pay no attention to them, and do not stoop to their level - you are all better than that and you know Adam.  Stay true to him, to each other, and to yourselves.  Many people will want to place blame, but in this situation...there is nowhere to place it.  It was an accident. 

 A terrible, tragic accident.  

My number one piece of advice for you, that I hope that you will all grab onto and not forget is this:  LEAN ON ONE ANOTHER.  Stay together, grow and heal together. Many of our fondest memories were made in the depths of our despair of losing George.  I have always liked to think that he brought us all together in that way.  I still hold every single one of the people that banded together at my parent's home in those first 2 weeks of losing George in my heart closer than most.  We have mostly stayed in touch.  Of course, some of us could do better, but I hope they all know that I am always here for them.  

The next few days will be the busiest, and the most emotional.  Please know that your community, your county, and George's people are all thinking about you.  We are praying for you and wishing that we could take away your pain, for we would have never wished for another person to join our club.  We welcome you with open arms, but would be happier to never have to share this pain.  

Moving On...

I saw Dr Reussner this morning.  He removed the sutures from my neck - it was starting to become rather irritated, so that was a welcome relief.  It is still a bit inflamed (and quite sensitive) so hopefully that will be short lived.  I will return in the middle of July, to have labs drawn, and hopefully that will end my time with Dr R.  Not that I don't enjoy him - he is actually one of my favorites that I have encountered along this journey, but it is nice to close out a chapter in this book.  Though my time with him has been brief, he has helped me a lot!  My PTH dropped from 222 just prior to surgery to 26.7 as soon as the abnormal parathyroid was removed.  CRAZY!  I can say that my head feels more clear - as if I am regaining some mental clarity, and memory!  I can actually remember things!  My aches and pains are greatly reduced, and its so nice to not have that horrid deep ache in my back and abdomen.  We discussed following up with LMH Oncology and how I felt like a sitting duck, just waiting around for the next thing to pop up and disrupt our lives again.  We discussed our plans for seeking a second opinion and treatment plan in Tulsa, and asked for his thoughts and opinion on the matter.  Dr Reussner explained that he agreed with us and didn't feel comfortable allowing me to sit and wait for the next issue to arise and explained that while the Cancer Treatment Centers of America are probably not bad people, he felt that I would be best to be seen by KUMed on a more speedy timeline.  I would be able to be seen sooner, and stay closer to home.  The trip to Tulsa would have been a 10-ish day visit and I have zero paid time off from work left at this time, so... I have been referred to KUMed Oncology.  I am trying to make sense of it all and have the right answers and thoughts.  While I am waiting, I will try to return to a normal routine.  
I will return to work next week and go from there.  Hopefully I will not be too far out of the loop, and there will still be a need for me there.  I have missed a lot and am nowhere near "in the know" for sure.  I haven't heard much by way of friendly chatter from anyone there, so it must be busy.  

For the rest of this week and most of next, I have to continue to rest.  I am still on pretty strict activity restriction for at least 6 more days.  We have a lot of plans to just relax in our future.  The two younger boys had been with my parents since last Wednesday, and I met up with them and got them back today.  I missed them, but man...they talk a lot.  :)

Hopefully time will slow down just a bit, I want to make sure and take it all in and enjoy every day this summer.  Goodnight, Friends.  

Through the Mourning to the Morning...

*Jeremy deserves all of the credit for this, since he is the only reason I even know to listen to this music...

We spend a lot of time in Branson - at Silver Dollar City - in the Spring and Fall.  During the Bluegrass and BBQ Festival in May, and then the Country Music Weekend in September we get to sit and just enjoy music.  The Bluegrass and BBQ is my personal favorite - Its a month (or more?) of the country's best bluegrass bands, alternating dates and times and stages.  I have come to appreciate several of the bands, but my three top favorites are Flatt Lonesome, the Lonesome River Band and The Snyder Family.  There is a song that Flatt Lonesome did at the Bluegrass and BBQ Festival last summer that has played in a continuous loop in my head since February...

  It says...

In the morning, there is joy.
In the morning, there is peace.
In the morning, all things are brand new.

In the valley, there are choices
In the valley, there are voices
In the valley of sin and despair.
Keep walking through the valley, keep talking in the valley
To Jesus.  He'll always be there.

In the morning there is joy...
In the morning there is peace...
In the morning all things are brand new.

Through the MOURNING, through the pain...
He will wipe the tears away.
But in the MORNING, all things are brand new.

I just love it.  I really love all of their music.  They have the most amazing (and at the same time haunting) harmonizing.

 **Their cover of Dwight Yoakum's "You're the One"...oh man, you just have to hear them for yourself.  Here! ---->   https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zCwwWwymrcY
Make sure you listen to In the Morning while you're there :)


I was going to sit and type out all of the things that I am mourning today, instead...I am choosing to focus on the Morning.  I have an appointment to see Dr Reussner and have my sutures removed tomorrow.  We are also going to discuss the pathology results...and the next step.  While ultimately, we know that the most likely next step is to travel to Tulsa or Houston, and we are trying to be ready for that.  I am hopeful that it will be within our own time frame and not an immediate need to complete type of thing....In His Hands.

I want to take just a minute to say thank you to everyone that has read, shared, and/or given to the YouCaring fundraiser page that our dear friend Laura has created for us.

https://www.youcaring.com/nikkipickens-846269

The shares, donations, comments and thoughts from so many well-wishers are truly appreciated and I will never be able to express the full depth of my gratitude to anyone.  To every single one of you that has uttered "How can I help?", to all of you lucky listeners within earshot when I decide to have a mini-melt down, for every penny given to our family, and to those of you who are ok with NOT talking about it....THANK YOU.  All of you.  There are not words that would ever be able to portray the depths of my gratitude.  It is a very humbling experience to be on this end of the benefit.  My heart is so full of love and the kind words that everyone has shared.  Thank you.

Time..it goes so fast.

I really need to be better about this.  I get so caught up in the day to day that I forget to take the time and blog about it all. 

Cody is a senior in high school and has signed into the delayed entry program to join the Marines. He will have his boot camp date already by Friday. 

Ryan is a sophomore, and he is 15. I miss the days when he was 4. His sweet little face and that voice, and all of his cute little songs. Sigh...

Braden is a 5th grader. He's playing baseball again this summer and it amazes me how much he improves and how well he does. I hope he sticks with it, he's a pretty decent ball player. 

I've been spending a lot of time in my hammock, and working. I have the next two weeks off, though... I'm having surgery (AGAIN) tomorrow. I'm running out of "extra" organs.  

When I originally went to the ER in January, blood tests showed an elevated calcium level- not terribly high, but high enough- along with the other abnormal values you have with a malignant neoplasm. (That is just a fancy term for cancer...but I like it better. It's...fancier.) After my nephrectomy, my calcium level dropped back to within normal range. Then, the headaches started and the body pain. Every scan was run to rule out the cancer recurring elsewhere and there was never any answer to the source of my pain. Pain meds didn't really help, and sometimes made my headache worse. That whole rebound effect. 

Anyway, Dr Gravino had communicated to Klingler that he hadn't found any obvious cause for discomfort and physical therapy wasn't cutting it, so Klingler ordered labs. Once again, calcium elevated. Elevated calcium can be a sign of trouble when it's cause is unknown, and suspect for cancer. So... when all of my scans were negative for growth (Thank you, Jesus!) he ordered more labs. Along with elevated calcium, my PTH (parathyroid hormone) was extremely high so he referred me to the ENT who said that I'm a very bizarre case and even questioned if I had been misdiagnosed or properly treated. That was a bit scary, but Jeremy and I are both very thankful for Dr Reussner and his amazing desire to advocate and help me. He called all of the pathology and scans into question and everyone took a second look to make sure that everything has been covered. Turns out, my RCC diagnosis is correct and I also have hyperparathyroidism. He still insists that the two are so very odd to have occur in such short time that while he is hopeful it's all coincidental, there's a strong possibility it is not. In simple terms, one or more of my parathyroid glands (we have four, only need one) are malfunctioning and have grown into masses/tumors, commonly called adenomas. They are releasing too much parathyroid hormone and causing my blood calcium levels to elevate, which is known to cause... headaches, body pain, memory loss, extreme fatigue, severe mood swings... EVERYTHING Jeremy and I have been complaining about in my case.

The plan is to go in tomorrow and seek out and remove the offending gland(s). The hope is that it's just one, but may be all four. If that is the case, 3 will be completely removed and the last one will be taken out, resected and implanted into my neck away from its original location. So strange, right?  

I had a scan done to give the dr an idea of what gland is the offending one... and the report said there is obvious abnormal adenomas present on the left, along with abnormal thyroid activity. Nothing conclusive on the right. He said that might happen... and that no matter what the scan said, he would be thoroughly examining all aspects of my thyroid and parathyroid glands. He also promised to make my incision "pretty", but I've been having nightmares of a collarbone to collarbone length incision.  I'm also having visions of becoming the modern day version of The Girl with the Green Ribbon. Anyone else still traumatized by that story? No...? Just me. Anyhow...tomorrow it is, then I wait for the pathology to be completed with the final verdict. Either way, we are going to go to Tulsa and be seen at the Cancer Treatment Center of America. Even if all they say is that I'm doing exactly what they would tell me to, I'll have the peace and knowledge that we are doing everything we can to keep me healthy. Whoosaaa, that cancer stuff sure does one hell of a number on one's psyche. 

I would appreciate your thoughts and prayers aimed my way at LMH tomorrow starting around noon. I'll update as soon as I can. Much love to you all.