I am so anxious these days. I feel completely and utterly out of control and I HATE it. Emotionally, I cannot quite get a handle on things. There is progress, though - It is better. I can actually get through a day without feeling terrified and sad and crying it out, but I hate what cancer does to people. I hate that it takes away one's sense of health and security and thrusts them into uncertainty and unknowns and FEAR. I hate that every little twinge of pain immediately makes me wonder if it has spread. I hate that I feel like I need to call the doctor and demand a scan to be done right now to make sure that its all okay, and that it hasn't grown somewhere else at an unexplained rate of speed. I feel like a liar when someone asks how I am doing and I reply that I am doing okay, but I also know that many of them are not fully prepared for me to say what I really feel sometimes...I am not fully prepared for it myself. I am getting better about being real with my circle and my "quarters"...and giving those that really do mean well the "right" answer, even if it isn't the whole story. I wont lie about it, but I will censor it.
Physically, I really AM doing good. I have a tendency to over-do and wear myself out, but I will not admit it if you ask, so just don't. I definitely have aches, pulling, and some lingering pain - but it is nothing compared to that first day...holy moly, that was bad. So bad.
I want to talk for a minute about prayer.
When Dr Klingler called me to tell me the pathology results, I was (almost) speechless."The results are what we thought and discussed, the mass is Renal Cell Carcinoma". (That part didn't surprise me. I was prepared for that and I am not sure that I will ever be fully able to express my gratitude for Dr Trent and Kelley both being on shift that night in the ER - they are truly amazing and were very VERY good about being up front and honest with me. They were also very effective at convincing me to go one step at a time. Just one at a time. I wish I could properly thank them...I just have no idea right now HOW. Kelley commented that we now share a special bond that cannot be broken...no doubt, sister. NO DOUBT. There will not be a day in my life that I will not think about them, and the impact that their care has had on me. Heavy sigh...) The part that I could not understand was... "Your lymph nodes were clear."
What?!? HOW?!?!
Don't get me wrong - I am thankful... grateful... BLESSED. BUT - I saw the scans. I heard all of the measurements and I researched every bit of the information given to me. We already had an oncology consult ready...I had no doubt that there would be chemo or radiation therapy, most likely both, in my very near future. HOW that monster grew so big so fast and did not spread is ... a miracle.
When I went in to see Dr Klingler for my post-surgical check up, I told him that when he had called that day, I was expecting to hear something very different. He admitted to me that he thought that he would be telling me something very different than what he did. (No wonder he couldn't make eye contact with my mom or answer her questions to her satisfaction....he didn't think it was going to be very good at all!) He then patted me on the shoulder, as I wept. Poor guy, he must think I am a nutjob! :)
I truly and completely believe that the power of prayer is beyond anything we can imagine.
My faith has been strong for as long as I can remember, and I have seen amazing things happen to others. Somehow, I lost sight of the importance of gathering with my church family, and life got busy and I stopped going to church regularly, and then I stopped going altogether. We have a lot of work to do, but it is truly a family affair now. For so many years (almost 15) I asked Jeremy to go to church with me. He never would. He was never mean about it, he just simply stated that it made him uncomfortable. About 3 years ago, he started making comments about our boys needing to go to church, and then that he would like for us all to go. Finally, we all went, and we are still going. We have established a bit of a routine...Church, and then family lunch. Sometimes it works out really well, and Lane and Carrie and the boys join us for lunch. Those are my favorites. They are some of my favorite people. Anyway...back to my point. The only explanation that I have for my current situation is prayer. So many people prayed, so many had amazing words of support and comfort, a few even brought us food...My Cup Runneth Over. (By the way - please be patient with me...I am working on those thank you cards!)
My 5 year survival rate is 70-75%, there is a strong chance that I will fight this battle again, and possibly more than once. I am not going to dwell on that, and neither should you. ONE DAY AT A TIME. Every so often, I may pull out that report and read through it and weep, and then I will pull myself together and say my thanks to God. I will send up my prayers of gratitude and thanks for Kelley and Dr Trent...Dr Klinger and Lawrence Oncology. I will thank Him for my husband, sons, parents and family...for my friends that have become family, the true friends that I have made in life and at work, our church family, and the many many genuine, good, and caring people that sent up a prayer for me and my family in our time of need. I will thank Him for this humbling experience....and I will also give cancer the middle finger. I read something once that made me giggle at the time, but that now feels very different - "I wish that cancer would get cancer and die..." Yeah, I do wish cancer would go away, but it is hard to wish death on anything - no matter how abstract it may be - when your own mortality is shoved in your face.
Whew...that was quite the "share". Happy Sunday... erm, Monday.
1 comment:
Beautifully said Nikki! It was a very emotional service yesterday and our church is full of wonderful prayer warriors. I know they've gotten us through things when I found it impossible to pray but they still lifted us up and we made it through. I continue to pray and lift you up to our amazing GOD, that he will wrap you and your family in his loving arms. Love you girl!
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